COPING

Written in 2018 - These are my thoughts a month after losing my grandson. Writing is my therapy and putting my thoughts into words helped me cope and stopped the "tape" from playing over and over in my head.

COPING

I think I’m coping remarkably well because I didn’t fall to pieces when Devon died.  It may have been shock or it could have been that little something God gives us Christians that helps us grieve as we are able.  Yes, I think I’m coping really well, but:

I can’t sleep at night.

I don’t feel like eating much.

I stutter when I talk and whatever I say doesn’t come out right; I can’t think straight.

I frustrate easily.

I can be in Walmart or anywhere else and a memory will come to mind and I will have a sensation come over me of wanting to drop to my knees because they are so weak. (I had those same sensations after my divorce.)

I don’t want to go anywhere unless it’s to be with family.

I don’t always feel like completing a project or I attack it 

I’m a little bit mad at God because I pray 3 times a day to take care of my family and I prayed specifically for Devon, and yet who else do I depend on to get me through this and all of life but God.

I have more anxiety; I feel nervous.

I can be talking to someone about Devon in a normal conversational tone and all of a sudden I will break down and cry. By the way, crying is the safety valve when too much pressure is built up. I read this years ago and it stuck with me except for the author's name.

I’m going through the “What ifs.” What if I had done more? What if I had parked on his doorstep?

I keep “playing the tape” over and over trying to make sense of Devon’s death.

But I’m grateful for the strength I do have and have had through this horrible experience because the strength can only come from God. Grief is normal and necessary. God won’t take it away but He’ll help us through it.

Proverbs 14:13
Even in laughter the heart may ache, and rejoicing may end in grief.

Lamentations 3:33
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.

1 Peter 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.